I am so annoyed with myself right now. I worked so hard to get rid of my emetophobia and now I am just slapping it in the face by sitting here feeling anxious about the fact that I went outside yesterday.
Emetophobia is fucking sneaky. I've been telling myself that it's a chronic disorder that I always have to work to keep at bay, but somewhere along the line I started giving myself passes to skip things that brought me anxiety and the result of that is more anxiety.
I am so SO SO SO nervous about the fact that in a few weeks I will be having to go to work every day, five days a week for four weeks. This during the time when the noro-virus is at its peak in this country. And I will be caring for the elderly - showering them, dealing with their poops etc. And to top it off, it's not in my city! I have to commute! The overwhelming urge is to run, run, run away. Even though my fear of vomitting has been reduced significantly I still feel that 'outside' is a huge risk to take, and I don't know how other people cope.
I feel like I may need to call my CBT guy but I also feel that would be a huge failure on my part, and also last time I tried to contact him he ignored/forgot to call me back.
I feel trapped in a box and there's anxiety being poured in and there is no where for it to go but all around me.
I'm also making a really big effort to make friends, and it is out of my comfort zone. I feel extremely anxious and all wrong when I reveal vulnerabilities about myself. I feel like I will be labeled as a unstable weakling that is no fun and one should stay away from incase I snap.
TL;DR: aaaaaaaaaaargh. Blaaaaaaaargh? Gargh.
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