Internet, I got a wave of wanting To Go Public With My Awesome Blog Which I Post In So Often. I went through my posts and started Drafting those that I couldn't bear for my mother to see. However, I started noticing they were my favourite posts. My most naked posts. The posts I would have loved to have seen written by someone else because they would have encouraged me.
It didn't feel right removing them. It sounds horribly arrogant, but what if they are meant to help someone? That is worth more to me than being able to post photos with my face, my cats, my life even if it means I post less because there's only so much I can say without being more open about my life. Which is kind of ironic because I am so open about my life. To be open about one part I have to shut another. And I choose to open the hard part.
Maybe one day I won't be ashamed, or feel guilty or whatever else is keeping me from being honest with my family and the Internet At Large.
My emetophobia issues are slightly worrying at the moment. The darkness up in dis bitch of a country is getting to me - my anxiety levels have risen. But as I am so free of my emetophobia it's a general, constant, nagging anxiety focused at nothing - and sometimes it tries to focus on vomitting. I get a rush of a very familiar feeling and it takes me a second or two to get a handle of it.
But I'm scared I will lose control of it and spiral and lose everything I've worked for. And I simply don't want to. Reading my old posts reminded me what it felt like to be the un-CBTed version of myself. I forget how lucky I am not to be that way anymore. Panic attacks are so rare now that when they happen I genuinely don't know what the hell is happening and I think I'm dying, until I something clicks in me and I think "oh, right. That. Man this sucks. How did I do this so often?"
I have several goals right now. One being "do not work yourself up into such a state about Christmas that you walk around in a constant cloud of anxiety and RUIN EVERYTHING."
Another is "Don't flunk out. Don't flunk out. DON'T FLUNK OUT."
Another is "dude, you're losing so much weight. DON'T MESS IT UP."
People are always telling me to have positive goals and not "not" goals. So to revise:
- Be peaceful for the holiday of Santamas
- Ace shit in school like nobody's business (oh noez, there's a "no" in there!)
- Become skinny and wear lovely clothes.
I am considering spinning this blog into somewhat of a weightloss blog as well. Because this time last year I was all about emetophobia, and now I'm all about shrinking these child-bearing hips.
Any idea why your post stopped appearing in my google reader? Wee bit annoying.
Posted by: Ununitedkingdom.wordpress.com | 11/09/2011 at 08:54 PM