Ah. Well then. I can tell you now, internet, having had a couple days to digest this.
Another therapist in my life has come and gone. He promised so much, delivered so much, promised some more... and then took it back.
How many therapists are going to tell me that they cannot work with my certain brand of PTSD? How many people must I beg? Please, please, please, please, please help me get rid of this. It is corroding me, it is corroding my marriage, it's corroding my relationship with my family. He was the fifth therapist that I have told and good God how far and wide must I spread this certain horrible story until someone deigns to fucking help me out?
I am stuck in a moment in my head and how can I move forward in my life truly if someone doesn't help me and TELL ME how to get rid of it? I work like a donkey once I have the information - did I not prove myself with the emetophobia treatment? Please, please, please I just want to master my own brain without it flicking to flashbacks of things in situations where it most hurts. Why won't anybody try? I just want a chance to get rid of this. Just try.
He did recommend another therapist to me. One who lives 40 minutes away and who I cannot afford because he has a private practise. I am so disheartened. I am so disappointed. I feel like I will have to live with this twitch in my brain forever.
When he told me he would't be helping me with this (in a very round about way - talking about how many clients he has and blahblahblah) I had a moment where I just asked "why won't anyone help me with this" and my chin wobbled and my eyes leaked but that stupid stiff upper lip came back and I pulled myself together when I should have let myself fall apart into hysterics. I should have cried, wailed, screamed - I should have done something to make him see how awful this one thing really does feel.
Stupid stiff upper lip. Now I will have to wear it all the time. I will get wrinkles, and won't that be a shame?
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