As my mother in law likes to exclaim.
Well, the summer has officially passed and being back in Sweden and all has put me back in project mode. I gained around 3,8 kg (around 8 pounds) by stuffing my pie hole with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, root beer and wheat-free brownies, cookies, pasta etcetc. I'm also sorry to say that I didn't work out a lot. Some, but not a whole lot. I'm excited to get back to the gym. I'm one of those really annoying people who actually likes going to the gym. I love the feeling my body is strong and improving every day. I also need to stop eating carbs like yesterday, but more like 'after my husband's birthday on Sunday'.
I'm planning on working on two things in therapy this fall: The subject which will hereby be known as 'sex trauma' and my terrible social anxiety.
I spent the entire spring denying and fighting my therapist when he said I have terrible social anxiety. 'Pfft!' I said, 'Social anxiety? I don't have any anxieties about that. I just don't LIKE people. People will just hurt me.' Uhh, yeah. Most of my friends are (awesome! lovely! the best! not putting them down in the least!) online. And with 'most of' I mean 'all'. Well, I guess that really depends on the defintion of 'friend'. To me, a friend is someone who I can text or call without any real reason to and someone who I can say 'duuuuude I feel like shit today' to. My husband hangs out with a guy and he's cool, I like him. But he calls my cellphone and asks to talk to my husband. I'm a secondary friend, friend by association. Which surely is my own fault for being aloof and hard to be friends with. Still a headscratcher though, calling my phone to ask to speak to someone else.
My current plan of attack to curb my social anxieties is to meet people from a forum I frequent. People who may actually read this because the link is (sort of) in my siggy there. So err, hi, how awkward of you to drop by! to them. I figure we at least share one point of interest and if we don't really hit it off it's easy to avoid eachother on a crowded forum.
I really would like a friend. I just don't know how to get them, have them and then keep them my friend. Forgive me for using this phrase, but I am completely socially retarded. I'm like Chandler from Friends, just spewing out one-liners and jokes and I get so incredibly wound up and in my head thinking "OH GOD x DOESN'T LIKE ME STOP TALKING STOP TALKING STOP TALKING EVERYONE CAN SEE x HATES ME NOW. OH JESUS. I AM SO SORRY". I blame (blame!!!) high school and bullying and my best friends deciding not to be my friend anymore and never telling me why. I am convinced nobody likes me. But people do like me, when I let them get to know me behind the awkward spewing that is my tourette-like social anxiety mouth. I think. Mostly I am too scared and busy thinking 'shut up shut up shut up shut up now. Stop your stupid yapping mouth, they don't care!' to really notice.
Even now I am telling myself to just SHUT UP already. Even though this is my blog. Even though nobody really reads it. Oh, there's a thing called self-esteem? I wouldn't know, because I suck too much to have it.
Phew. Anyway. So errr how are you?
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