Day 11 of the bandwagon

I jumped off the bandwagon for a while, but I am jumping back on! Hurray.

Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I think people most compliment me on my perseverance. At least they compliment me most feelingly on it. Instead of the simple "Oh you are so xxxx at yyyy" it is said more... expressively? feelingly? with more words and more umph? In perhaps an admiring tone? Is that arrogant to say? People admire things that they compliment others on, do they not? I think my most admired quality is that I survive like a cockroach and evolve with a Such! A! Positive! Attitude! ...except I am a total whiner. The whining I think takes away from my persevering hero image. If I carried on with a stiff upper lip, not mentioning the difficulty and the hardships and the birds that I flip and are flipped at me... how would people know that I was persevering? Hmm.

I determinate and perserveriate through things that suck. I've been through more things that suck than the average person - I dare wager this! - and I've come through. I, however, insist that any person put in my position would persevere as much as I have because they would have to just like I had to. Would you choose to live in misery, cloudiness, confusion and anxiety or would you at some point pull yourself together enough to seek help and start working through it?

But saying that, I also admire my perseverance. It's pretty rad. I get from point A to point B on pure pigheadedness and complete unwillingness to fail sometimes. I write essays even though I cry heavily through every moment because I am terrified I will fail fail fail fail fail and everyone will finally see what a lousy human being I am and abandon me. Each A I get increases the fear. Each, albeit rare, B or C I get gets hidden and put away in shame even if I had good reason to FAILFAILFAIL that certain moment time.

I look back to last fall when I had just started university and, of course!, I fell into one of the deepest depressions I've ever had. I took a mattress and I slept in a cupboard for three months eating junk food and watching Qi or sleeping. But goddamnit, my essays were promptly handed in each Sunday as required. They were good essays too. I cried through every single one of them.

Mmm. I do love how this  blawg allows me to egocentrically ramble on. Mmmm. It is especially rewarding in this stupored state of I-actually-studied-for-a-couple-hours-and-now-my-brain-is-telling-my-body-to-SHUTDOWNIMMEDIATELYOMG.

I have lost any thread that I had. I am so sleepy. Also, awesome because people say I resemble an insect that is so gross and creepy looking that they are routinely killed with insecticide or the sole of a shoe.