You know that feeling you get the day before Christmas? The day before you graduate? The day before something big, and out of the ordinary? You're a little nervous, antsy, can't quite sit still. You're just waiting for the event to take place, and your body responds slightly to the expectation.
Tomorrow I pick my husband up from the airport, after three months apart. To get there I, the agoraphobic, have to hang out with someone I don't really know for three hours in his car. Me, the emetophobic, in a car for three hours (with a return journey, too).
My body doesn't know the difference between a little nervous, a little excited and panic. I haven't been able to have butterflies in my stomach for years, because my body starts pumping mad adrenaline and I have an anxiety attack. It's hard for me to feel excited. On my wedding day I had to keep calm, so calm, because the excitement, the extraordinary event, was too much and too confusing for my body. It makes me come off as cold, and uncaring. I just don't want to panic. At the end of my wedding day I lost my iron clad grip on myself for a moment - just a moment - and I spiraled into a panic attack. My husband thought I was regretting marrying him. The memory brings tears to my eyes . At the time I didn't quite understand the reaction of my body in relation to my excitement level so I couldn't explain it to him. I thought that maybe he was right, maybe my body was trying to tell me something. My phobia, my anxiety levels, my body and my own damn mind tricked me into entertaining the idea that maybe my marriage was a mistake. Now I know better. But the memory brings tears to my eyes. Fear takes away so much.
Internet, I am so scared tonight. My head keeps going through all the things that could go wrong tomorrow and I'm trying to stop it but even the brave part of me, the part of me that yells "COURAGE" in my head on a daily basis, is afraid. I don't know this situation, I haven't been in this situation. I don't know what to expect so I expect all the bad things. My loving, patient, brave husband is coming home after three months away from me and all I can focus on right now is how afraid I am.
Phobias that take over you make you feel like a shit person. They make you feel like the most selfish scum that ever walked the earth, and the worst part is that sometimes people share your belief. "Why don't you love me more than you fear your phobia? Why can't you just ignore it for me?" - I am pretty sure at some point all the spouses, family or best friends of people with phobia think this. After weeks, months, years of watching someone they love shoulder so much illogical fear that they cannot cope with regular, daily life they get desperate, they get angry, they feel inadequate, they just want it to stop. Just stop being afraid of this silly thing.
Oh, but we do try. Nobody wants to be afraid. Nobody wants to sit by the window looking out at all the people in the snow-coated streets thinking "Why can they, but not I?" while even just the sight of the snow brings up an unsettled feeling in their body because it's winter, and everything associated with winter is dangerous. We push ourselves, we do things for the people we love that we do not want to do. We put ourselves in the situation where the thing we fear - something that we feel we would rather die than face - may also be. Out of love. Out of our own desperate desire to get better. To be like everyone else.
But the situations we put ourselves in are so frightening. Our hearts beat faster, we sweat, our breath gets stuck, we feel clammy, we tremble, we plan our escape route, we plan for all the what-ifs. All the while other people around us are completely fine. Laughing, having fun, enjoying life. It makes you feel so worthless, so weak, so useless. The feelings start to spread to your entire life; if you can't even bloody go outside, what can you do? You're worthless, complete shit, can't even bear to touch dirty dishes - you can't write this essay, you can't graduate, you aren't good enough for any job, who could ever really love someone like you? Every fear you have becomes a mountain, an impossibility, because that one fear - The Fear - has paralyzed you.
It's so exhausting being emetophobic. I'm so tired. I am doubting myself, internet, I don't know if I can beat this. Three months of extraordinarily hard work and I'm still afraid. I don't want to be disappointing. I want my husband to come home to me and be proud and filled with hope for the future. I don't want to force him to hold my hand and comfort me through endless nights of panic again. I don't want to have to shut down my emotions to cope with life; I want him to know that I love him. I want him to see joy when he looks at me, not fear and cowardice.
Courage. Being brave is my job. To get better I have to have courage. To get better I have to be on top of my game every single day. Each time I forget to be brave a tiny little hole appears and the phobia burrows in and takes away the progress that I have made, progress that I can't even see tonight because I am so afraid.
Phobias make you feel like shit. There is not one part of your life that is not deeply affected by this disorder.
Phobias make you feel like shit.
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