As I recover from the crapstorm that drove me to two therapists and to the bottle (the pepsi kind) I feel increasingly afraid of actually doing what I've been working for. You know... like, living.
It's not that I haven't lived so far, or like all my times have been crap and dark - because they haven't - it's just that I've always carried around a dark cloud that has tinged every blessed day of my life. I'm getting ready to move on to a new life where every good event won't be slightly in shadow or have me thinking "I can think of a thousand ways this pisses me off/makes me sad/reminds me of that one depressing time/will make later suck/may make me throw up GOOD GOD WHAT I AM DOING HERE fleeeeee!".
What's it like not being weighed down by a million mind-bricks? What's it like to allow yourself to really enjoy moments? What's it like to live without what-ifs? I have no idea. I don't remember if I ever have. I didn't think I was capable. Now I know I'm capable. Maybe not as capable to be as care-free as some, but hell - any improvement is very welcome. Also, I find those really happy-go-lucky people annoying to the extreme. I bet they all crap fairy dust and pee champagne. I just crap and pee the regular things. I'm cool with that, because I can act like a monkey and throw my regular crap at those people and bring them back down to earth. Fuckers.
Sometimes I think about all the things I want to do but haven't been able to because of my emetophobia and general fear of pleasure. Like bike really, really fast without being afraid I'll become so winded I'll throw up. Or go to dinner at someone else's house and not be paranoid and checking on their hygiene. Or just simply go for a walk in the winter and end up at a cafe and enjoy myself without fear of the noro virus. Sometimes I try to think about freedom and fail because emetophobia is a strong monster that can block you even from fantasies. Sometimes I'm so sick of the entire therapy shit that I rebel against myself and spend the entire weekend in bed rejecting the company of everyone (including, shock and disgust, my cats). It's all so freaking exhausting but ever since my first taste of what life without a thousand mind-bricks could be I haven't doubted it will be worth it.
But still, the freedom frightens me. Being free from fear frightens me. Where will I focus all my energy? Will I find other bad habits? What are good habits?
Who am I without all this?
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