So I Wrote

...

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

These are 3 am thoughts.

The truth is that I'm BORED. Bored of myself, bored of life, bored of the day to day certainties I have built. Built around the things I've given up as dead, as impossible, as compromised away.

It is so boring and dull and tedious to have the little brain ticks I have. So tedious to always know they aren't supposed to be there, but being absolutely fucking throw-my-hands-up, no-fucking-clue helplessly watching myself fail at removing them. You think it's frustrating to watch? Try living it. Try walking a day knowing  you're fucking it up while other's are also knowing. That knowing turns to resent. Resent turns into bitter anger flung here, there, everywhere and it stains what it comes in contact with. Unresolved as it is, as it all is, the bitter anger flinging has stained everything and I cannot see clearly anymore because everything is covered. It's noxious. It expands, seeping into things so far untouched and clean and now it's everywhere.

My life isn't what I thought it would be by now. No ticks in the boxes I so carefully laid out. I don't even remember all the boxes anymore. But I remember one. I want to tick it. Firmly. With ink, not pencil. Breathe the new dirty air again with a mind not consumed by resent and guilt.

I feel disconnected, world-weary and jaded.

The horrors.

Remind me never to drink again. Oh God. Someone, get me some chamomile.

Ugh. So adult.

God, doesn't it just fucking suck to be an adult sometimes? I hate having to make terribly difficult decisions and then! THEN! having to voice them  and (!!!) act on them.

Since starting therapy I have become increasingly aware every day how much my "therapy behaviour" hurts my husband. I lock myself away. I become cold, introverted and selfish. It's somewhere I need to go right now. I seem to be wired this way. Once I accepted this as a fact and as something I can't change right now (this very instant!), I also had to accept that I would have to ask my husband to go to the States for a while, while I work this all out. A while being half a year. Or so.

This also works for some of the relationship issues we are, and have been, having. Some things are not, and have not been, sitting right with me, and I have been too idle in taking action. I have been a little sissy pussy, too scared to hurt feelings. Mollycoddling. And also things expressed by my husband have not been quite right either for a while. And, honestly, if I have to have one more conversation about my difficulty with sex I will shave off my own hair, braid it and then hang myself with it. And won't that be sexy?

Out of respect for my husband, I will keep this brief. There was a loooot of back and forth. When I finally found the voice to squeak the words out, I felt like I was carving my leg off. The conversations which have come after have yielded a similar response. Luckily for me, once I have decided on something I am capable of being very strong in my belief. I would make a great religious zealot. Even though I feel like I have been slowly carving my leg off, logically I know this is right for the time being which makes the emotional impact a little easier to bear.

The things which have been bothering me in my marriage might perhaps be a subject matter for another entry. Once I can be more level-headed thinking about them, maybe I will feel it is right to bring them in here. Oh, I do hate the vaguey-vagueness. When other bloggers do it I want to shake them and yell "WHAT WAS THE POINT IN WRITING ANYTHING THEN? WHAT?!" at them. Yell! Go on! Go on, call for help. Squeal. No one's going to save you now.

Oh, dear. Suddenly, The Two Towers quote. Super extra brownie points if someone can tell me who says that, who to, and why!

Seems I am not 100% adult, after all, when I can't even get through one tiny serious blog post about serious things without such nerdy behaviour. Good grief.

Tick

Tick tick tick.... boom.